Mandarin Oranges

alright, I don’t usually post my thoughts and feelings up here but I REALLY need to get this one particular thing out. okay so, Lip Service (a BBC drama series on the lives of a group of lesbians in Glasgow, Scotland). I would like to say that this is by far the best lesbian-related show/film I’ve ever watched. I got helplessly hooked within 30 seconds of this show. Not to mention their sexy accents. Well, everything was going absolutely well until Cat died.. I was literally in shock for a good 20 minutes, I went through a series of stages starting with the denial phase.. and then to the acceptance phase. I have never reacted this way towards a death on tv. It’s just that heartbreaking. I mean Cat and Frankie had a beautiful affair, and I had such high hopes for them getting back together but now all the hopes I had are crushed. I have been utterly depressed since her death and it doesn’t help that my gf is in NYC right now. With that aside, I give this show a 5/5. It had its flaws but it was incredible.. like no words can explain how great it was. Characters were very lovable and unique. This show had brought me emotions and I love that in film ^_^

I am on my own now. Will I survive?

ok, so I’m sitting here attempting to study for a Mandarin midterm tomorrow which is a whole goddamn much to do.. but I stop for a moment just to go on facebook to see what’s been going on with people. I scroll down my news feed, click on a couple of people I know and scanned through their photos. I didn’t realize til much later that I’ve been feeling.. I guess envy. These people are so happy. They have friends.. And that sort of warmth they’re feeling in that moment the pictures were taken. Their smiles, their joyfulness, their meaningful hugs and .. just how close they are to each other. I want that. I really really want that. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that warmth.. too long that I can only remember the feeling vaguely. I love my girlfriend and she’s been their for me since.. ever, and I’m glad she’s still here and I enjoy her company A LOT. Too much that I can’t stand being away from her. But my social life can’t solely depend on only and just my girlfriend. Ever time I go on facebook, I’d be okay  but then I’d would start to feel my self-esteem go down very rapidly, until I just can’t stay on it anymore. I see all these people and their friends and I just think, “wow, these people must be really awesome to have so many friends who are happy to be with them.” Because of this thought, I bring myself to believe that I am not that cool of person.. that people do not like me. I feel so inadequate allll the time. But I guess this is only a temporary feeling. One day, I will meet a group of people who will truly love me for who i am, a silly, gullible and weird girl. A group of people who will take me not only as good company but someone they truly care about and treasure, and love. People who will embrace my flaws and not try to change them because that’s one of the reasons why they love me. My girlfriend will be proud of me.

I am a nobody whose desire is to be known. Not in a sense of fame, but in a sense of… acknowledgement.

Sucks to be indecisive in life. 

Epiphany

Much has happened, and I’m willing to let it all go. Just like that. Strange that I didn’t realize it before.